caring without carrying in friendships

Like many people, I have been on the receiving end of conversations where I have felt like I had to save, solve, or provide some sort of ‘salve’ to the person or situation. As an empath, I believed for a very long time that in order to show my love and care for my friends, I had to carry some of the weight of their troubles. This meant providing unlimited access to my time, my energy, and my presence to share whatever ailed them; relationship issues, family dramas, work worries, you name it. The result was absorbing all different kinds of energies and emotions that were draining, which inevitably led to significant emotional “carrying costs”: mental and emotional burnout, fatigue, resentment, stress, difficulty advocating for my own needs in the friendship, and, at times, feeling like I was invisible.

I realized that I had to shift from rescuing to supporting by making some changes in the ways I showed up in my friendships. Here are a few ways I made that shift that you might find helpful if you’re feeling like you’re doing more carrying than caring:

1.) I remind myself that I can feel with others, I don’t have to feel for them. My worth as a good friend is not tied to absorbing responsibility for the struggles, pain, and stress of another person. I can show up in other ways to show care like actively listening (if I have the capacity to do so).

2.) Remember to practice distance and self-care: you deserve to take up emotional space, too. We are all familiar with the expression, “you can’t give from an empty cup”, but knowing isn’t doing. Self care looks different for everyone, but one way to practice self-care in friendships is establishing boundaries (see #5 for an example of this).

3.) The sharer may not want rescuing: Someone sharing their experiences or feelings may just want someone to actively listen to them and affirm to them that, yes, this is difficult. That’s it. No neatly tying it up with a bow or providing a solution or next steps. And, when we immediately scan our brains with solutions for someone else’s issues, we rob them of the ability to exercise their autonomy and build their own capacity for resilience to find their own solutions.

4.) Let’s normalize asking, “Do you have the capacity to listen to me share something that’s been troubling me?” As much as it’s important that we advocate for ourselves, it’s also important for us to remain mindful that each of us has varying degrees of emotional capacity to listen and support.

5.) Let’s also normalize advocating for ourselves and protecting our boundaries by saying, “I love you/I care about you/I’m sorry you’re going through a difficult time right now, but I’m not able to talk right now/I can talk for 10 minutes/can we reconnect tomorrow when I have the emotional capacity to listen to you?”. This can be especially difficult for those of us not used to saying no or maintaining emotional boundaries, but it honours the emotional space you need to replenish your own energy.

What would you add to this list? How do you offer support without sacrificing your mental and emotional health?

~Kate

The information provided by Rooted in Wellness Canada is solely for educational and informational purposes and should not be considered a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment. If you are struggling, you are advised to consult with your physician or other medical professionals.