addressing conflict

Conflict*, as an umbrella term, is often viewed as negative because not only does the word itself carry emotional weight by implying opposition, disruption, and danger, but it may even bring up negative and upsetting past experiences where harm has occurred. *It must be specified in any conversation around conflict that there is healthy conflict that is inevitable in many settings and unhealthy, dangerous, and toxic conflict that can put people at risk. In terms of the latter, this can manifest as manipulation, intimidation, abuse, or behaviours that erode trust and psychological/emotional/physical/mental safety. In these cases, toxic conflict isn’t something that can be “pushed through”. Professional support and intervention are very much needed here. In other words, not all conflict is bad, but not all conflict is safe.

We often avoid conflict because we want to maintain group harmony. However, avoidance of conflict often exacerbates tensions and issues, and ultimately undermines the very goal of groups, which is unity. In fact, conflict can serve as a signal to us; a sign of tension between differing needs, perspectives, expectations, or values. Like any signal, it can guide us toward greater understanding so that we can work towards resolution. In this sense, healthy and safe conflict can be reframed. This would involve shifting from a “win-lose” mindset to a “growth and understanding” mindset where parties move beyond “who’s right?” to “what’s at stake here and why does it matter to each of us?”

Conflict can be an invitation to clarify our boundaries, strengthen communication, practice empathy, problem solve, and explore new ways to resolve differences effectively.

It also invites us to change our language around conflict. As examples: Instead of saying, “We’re having a conflict” try: “We have an issue we need to explore.”
Instead of “They’re being difficult” try: “They have a perspective I don’t yet understand.” Instead of “We’re fighting” try: “This is a chance to clarify what matters to all of us.”

See if this language shift helps you approach conflict differently.

~Kate